Some background, because nobody holds a séance in a hospital break room for no reason.
Last October I fell in love with a Halloween scrub top. Black cats, little pumpkins, the works. I left it in my cart for three weeks because I “wanted to think about it,” and when I finally went to check out on the 28th, my size was gone. I worked Halloween night in plain navy. A patient’s grandson asked me if I was “the boring nurse.” He was seven. He was right.
So this year, at 3:10 AM on a slow Saturday night shift, with four of us on break and a Ouija board that has lived in the bottom of a locker since before any of us were hired, we decided to ask that top what happened. And what I should buy instead.
What follows is the transcript. I typed it into my phone as we went. The board only answers in capital letters and it cannot spell “polyester” on the first try.
Present at the table
Me, night shift, the one with the grudge. Dee, charge nurse, skeptic, brought her own coffee to the séance. Marcus, patient care tech, swore on his mother he wasn’t pushing the planchette. Priya, float nurse, here on loan from 5 West and very confused about how she got involved.
Snacks: half a bag of candy corn from the nurses’ station. Lighting: the microwave clock.
3:14 AM: Contact
DEE: Is anyone there?
BOARD: Y-E-S
ME: Are you the cat print top I didn’t buy last year?
BOARD: Y-E-S. T-O-O L-A-T-E
MARCUS: Okay, that’s a little rude.
ME: It’s fair. Keep going.
3:16 AM: The question I actually came for
ME: Which Halloween top should I buy this year?
BOARD: G-H-O-S-T
Priya, who had the koi site open on her phone because she’s the only one of us who prepares for things, scrolled the new arrivals and found it in about four seconds. It’s called Ghostly Critters, from their Basics line. Black background. Dogs and cats wearing bedsheet ghost costumes, carrying jack-o’-lantern candy buckets, with spiderwebs and little orange and yellow flowers packed in between. $28.99.
I made a sound I’m not proud of. It is exactly my kind of stupid.
DEE: Ask it about sizes. That’s what got you last year.
BOARD: 3-X 4-X 5-X G-O-N-E
Priya checked. The board was right. As of tonight (Sunday, October 4), Ghostly Critters is sold out in 3X, 4X and 5X. XXS through 2X are still there. It’s the first week of October and it is already happening again. If you wear 2X, I’d honestly stop reading and go now.
3:19 AM: Marcus asks for a second opinion
Marcus wanted to know about “the pink one” he’d seen on Priya’s screen.
BOARD: C-O-O-K-I-E-S
That one’s Spooky Treats, same Basics line, same $28.99. Pink background covered in decorated Halloween sugar cookies: ghosts, black cats framed in pumpkins, witch hats, spiderweb cookies, little bones, cupcakes. It looks like a bakery case in mid-October. Every size from XXS to 5X is in stock right now.
PRIYA: Peds would lose their minds.
DEE: Peds would lose their minds over a paper bag with a face on it. Next.
3:21 AM: The purple one
Priya’s pick. She held her phone face-down over the board, which is not how any of this works, and asked the board to “feel the vibes.”
BOARD: B-A-T
Battie by Bright Spot is part of koi’s Artists Series, $29.99. Purple tie-dye background with soft lavender bats, little ghosts, “BOO” bursts, wrapped candies, candy corn and pumpkin buckets. It’s the least loud of the three, if a purple bat shirt can be called quiet. Also in stock in every size, XXS to 5X.
Priya decided right there. She has a rule about only owning one Halloween item and she says this is the one, because it can pass for “fun purple” until about November 3rd.
3:24 AM: I ask about last year’s prints
ME: What about the old Halloween prints? Are they cheaper now?
BOARD: Y-E-S. N-O R-E-F-U-N-D-S
This is the part I’d actually underline. Some of last year’s Halloween designs are sitting in koi’s Clearance section. Vampire Bat Dolly by Fluff (lavender, retro vampire-bat girls, pink pumpkins, lollipops) is $18.99, down from $29.99. Sugar Skull Cuties is $17.99, but there are only four sizes left.
Cheap, yes. But koi’s return page says some sale and clearance items aren’t eligible for return or exchange, and the Vampire Bat Dolly page is wearing a Clearance badge. Their rules also say anything marked Final Sale, or priced ending in .97, can’t come back at all. So treat a clearance print like a tattoo. Only if you’re sure about the size.
The three new prints, Ghostly Critters, Spooky Treats and Battie, are tagged New on their pages, not Clearance. Regular rules.
3:27 AM: Dee gets technical
Dee doesn’t believe in ghosts, but she does believe in knowing what a shirt is made of before she wears it for twelve hours.
DEE: What’s the fabric?
BOARD: P-O-L-Y-E-S… P-O-L-Y-E-S-T-E-R
Close enough. All three are built on koi’s Leslie top: contemporary fit, a v-neck, two front pockets, and side slits so you’re not fighting the hem every time you crouch. 26 inches long in a size Small. The Ghostly Critters and Spooky Treats pages list 97% polyester, 3% spandex, and call the fabric an athletic-inspired breathable mesh meant to keep you cool and dry. That’s the part that matters at hour ten.
The Battie page doesn’t list a fabric breakdown, so I won’t guess.
3:30 AM: The number
ME: Anything else I need to know before I order?
BOARD: 7-9
Marcus said “that’s a hymn number.” It is not. It’s koi’s free shipping threshold: $79 on US orders. Under that, it’s a flat $7.95. They only ship to US addresses.
Here’s where I landed, and I swear I didn’t plan this to the penny:
- Ghostly Critters top: $28.99
- Holly Pant in Black, Basics line, so the color actually matches the black in the print: $34.99. Comes in Petite, Regular and Tall.
- Ghost Cookie shaker badge reel, new for this fall: $15.99
$79.97. Free shipping by 97 cents. The board went very still after I said that out loud, which I’m choosing to read as approval.
If you’d rather spend the whole $79 on tops, the three prints together come to $87.97. That works too. Dee called it “a cry for help.”
3:33 AM: The timing problem
PRIYA: Will it get here before Halloween?
BOARD: M-O-N-D-A-Y
Slightly ominous, but accurate. koi says most orders ship within 1 to 2 business days from their warehouse in Arizona, and weekend orders can take longer to process. Halloween is Saturday the 31st, so there’s room. The risk isn’t the mail. It’s waiting three weeks and finding out your size went ghost. Ask me how I know.
3:35 AM: Returns, asked by the most anxious person present (me)
ME: What if it doesn’t fit?
BOARD: T-R-Y I-T F-I-R-S-T
Translated from ghost, here’s koi’s actual policy. Swap for a different size or color and the return label is free. Want a refund instead and they’ll take $7.95 off it for the prepaid label. Anything worn, washed, altered or embroidered can’t be returned, and neither can scrub caps. So when it shows up, put it on in your kitchen, do one deep squat, reach for something on a high shelf. Then decide. Before it ever meets a hospital.
One more thing Priya found: a pop-up on their site offers 15% off your next order if you sign up for their email and text list. Dee rolled her eyes and then signed up anyway.
3:38 AM: Goodbye
Someone’s call light went off. Dee looked at the board and said, very professionally, “We have to go now.”
BOARD: G-O-O-D-B-Y-E. B-U-Y I-T
Marcus still claims he wasn’t pushing. Priya says the planchette was “warm.” I say a ghost that knows the shipping threshold is a ghost worth listening to.
What we actually ordered (by 7:30 AM)
Me: Ghostly Critters in a Medium, the black Holly Pant, and the Ghost Cookie reel. Free shipping, no regrets, no navy.
Priya: Battie. One Halloween item. She’s sticking to her rule.
Dee: Spooky Treats, “for the kids on the unit,” which nobody believes.
Marcus: Nothing. He says he’s “not a print guy.” He also asked me to send him the link twice.
Everything above is on koi’s website. Prices and sizes are as of October 4 and Halloween prints don’t sit around, so check before you count on anything.
Disclosure: that’s an affiliate link, so I earn a small commission if you buy something, at no extra cost to you. The séance was real. Whether the ghost was, I’ll leave to Marcus.
Which one are you wearing on the 31st? Tell me in the comments, and if your unit has a better Halloween tradition than a haunted break room, I need to hear it.