Patient-reported symptoms: opened a shopping app “just to look,” forty minutes ago. Still looking.
History of present illness: Patient reports a recurring nighttime compulsion to check flash-sale sections, particularly ones advertising items “under $9.99.” Symptoms intensify in the presence of matching costume sets, discount percentages above 70%, and any banner using the word “flash.”
Chief complaint, in patient’s own words: “I don’t even need a Halloween costume yet, it’s not even October, but I found a two-piece devil set for less than my coffee this morning and now I’m compromised.”
Findings on examination: The site in question runs discounts I can only describe as aggressive — a 75%-off tier, a whole clearance shelf where nothing crosses the $9.99 line, and yes, a Halloween section that showed up earlier than expected, sitting right next to next year’s Valentine’s stock, which is its own kind of unsettling. There’s also a points system that rewards you just for logging in, which, diagnostically speaking, is exactly the kind of thing that keeps a patient coming back.
Assessment: mild, situational impulse-shopping, triggered by artificially low price points and a ticking countdown timer. Not dangerous. Somewhat contagious — texted my sister a screenshot and she is now also “just looking.”
Treatment plan: rather than fight it, patient elected to set an actual budget ($25, firm) and buy exactly one thing instead of eleven browser tabs’ worth of things. Patient selected a matching set and closed eight tabs. This is considered a win.
Prescription refill: here’s the clearance section that started all this — quick disclosure, that’s an affiliate link, small commission for me if you buy something, doesn’t change your price at all.
Prognosis: good, provided patient does not reopen the app before bed. Patient reopened the app before bed. Follow-up recommended.